Formosa is a combination grocery/restaurant featuring just about every type of vegan food imaginable. It has freezers full of vegan meats, cheeses, and other dairy-free substitutes. It's walls are lined with vegan pet food, textured soy protein (TSP), and vegan candies.
I had been anticipating a visit to Formosa for quite some time and realized, upon finding it, that I had actually walked past several times in years gone by! How funny! Anyhow, before entering, I took a deep breath of vegan air and stared at my future conquest:
I then paused to look at the menu. The bad news: it was written in German. The good news: hamburger, wiener, frankfurter are also English words. Despite this, I was pretty lost. I decided to venture in and investigate further.
A larger-print version of the same menu was displayed over the counter. Shoot. I stared at it for a good seven minutes, sounding the words out as I went. Anyone else would have thought I were crazy. Fortunately, the cheery Asian owners were more than happy to continue their conversation with each other. I faded into the background.
Presently, the door blew open and a dirty German couple lumbered in, setting their dirty backpacks in a corner. The man bumped into me.
Sorry, I didn't see you there, I imagined him saying.
After fifteen seconds of deliberation, they ordered. Clearly they had entered with a plan-of-attack. I'm sure they had been envisioning this moment for the entirety of their sweaty 400 kilometer trek. Well played, dirty German couple. Well played.
Another two minutes passed by. They knew what they wanted. Why was it so hard for me? Oh, that's right. I don't know what a Gerandelen is. Maybe I should order it.
Somehow, while the menu had been sliding in and out of focus, the couple had gotten their food. Dammit! What the Sam Hill is wrong with me? As if out of thin air, the man had a veggie burger between his hands.
Something clicked inside and I knew the moment had come to order. I made eye contact with the female proprietor. She smiled, reassuring me that I was both visible and that my business was still welcome. I pointed to the menu.
"All vegan?"
"Ah, ja! All vegan! You like...?"
"Ah, ja. I'll have...."
I looked at the menu again.
"I'll have.... Chicken...nuggets...."
"You want chicken nuggets?"
"Um, yes. Aaand...I'll...al...so...have...."
My eyes grazed the menu again, seeming to stick on Gerandelen. Oh, what the heck! You only live once, right?
"You want chicken nuggets?"
"Ahh, yes. And I'll also have the Gerandelen."
"And Gerandelen!?"
"Ah, yeah. Wait. What are Gerandelen?"
"You want Gerandelen?"
"Ah, yeah, I think so, but what are Gerandelen? Was ist Gerandelen?"
"Oh, Gerandelen are.... Gerandelen? You want Gerandelen?"
"Yeah, I'll take the Gerandelen. And the chicken nuggets."
"And the chicken nuggets?"
"Yes, please."
My palms started to sweat.
What had I just gotten myself into? Why did I do that? What are Gerandelen? And why am I in this handbasket? Questions flooded my consciousness as I stumbled away, looking for somewhere to sit down.
I found a seat at a table in a second, smaller room. The chairs were a little low for the table; it was really a table for standing. And the chairs were for sitting. Fortunately, I have long arms.
I turned around to examine the freezer of vegan meats. My jaw dropped. Never, in all my Earth-dwelling years had I seen such bounty! Such a spread! How cool!
Vegan beef, turkey, lamb, drumsticks, fishes, meat paste (meat paste?), and even a whole chicken breast, pressed into form. It was fascinating. I turned back around and found myself staring at the edge of the table.
A moment later, the waiter arrived:
It turns out Gerandelen are shrimp. I grimaced. I have never been one for seafood.
Nothing against fish. I mean, they're cool when they're alive. I think it's neat how they can find oxygen in the water and sometimes they're really pretty. But the thought of eating one has always turned my stomach. They smell gross when they're being cooked, when they're being eaten, when you're hiding them under your plate. Plus, my sister once nibbled on a fish eye. I thought that was pretty gross.
But, they were in front of me. I had ordered them. Time to own up and take responsibility for my decision. I speared one with my fork, smothering it in chili-duck sauce, and took a bite. It was...tasteless. To be fair, though, I don't remember real shrimp tasting like much of anything either. At least the tomato was ripe.
The chicken nuggets were good, though. I liked how straight the sides were:
I finished in good time and got up to wander around some more. Rather than describe everything, I'll just post some pictures. Lots of things I want to try. I also bought some TSP and look forward to trying that. If, like me, you've ever wondered what it looks like close up, here's a picture:
But, lest this review sound, like, too negative or whatever, I'm headed back today and can hardly wait. I'm going to order something other than appetizers, too.
Before leaving, I also found that, when flipped over, the menu is in English:
That should come in handy.
Vegan substitutes:
Cheeses and Pet Food:
Candies and Drinks:
*******UPDATE*******UPDATE*******
I returned to Formosa yesterday! It was awesome!! I ordered a chicken burger. Take a look:
Tremendous.
I also purchased some vegan jerky. I have not had such an experience in 15 years. Seriously, it tasted just real enough, but I think what got me most was the texture. My teeth have not taken on something so chewy/tough in such a long time. It felt great! Really a wonderful product; I was literally stopped in my tracks (I tend to walk while eating). I just had to pause for a moment to appreciate how good it was. Made by a Chinese company; few ingredients. I have already finished it and will go back for more today. No MSG.
Name:
Formosa
Type:
Vegan/Gluten-free
Hours of Operation:
Monday to Saturday: 11-21
Price Range:
€ (€2,30 to €7,90) see menu
Don't Miss:
The chicken burger is amazing! It is a great snack and the cheapest thing on the menu. You can order a plate (which I have not yet done) and get a salad and soup. Really, try the vegan jerky; and there is also a huge selection of vegan cheeses. I'm guessing not all of them are good (as they also offer Tofutti slices...) but I am going to try as many as I can and report back. No Gerandelen.
Address:
6th District: Barnabitengasse 6, 1060 Wien, Tel. +43 01 5811112
How to Get There:
Take the U3 to Neubaugasse. When you get off the train, head up to street level and walk up Mariahilfe Straße toward the Generali Center and Diesel. You will come to a fairly large church on the left after about 200m. Take a left right before the church on the walking road. Formosa will be on the left after 50m. Enjoy!
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